Missing Mom

Dear Mom,

I am sad.  Not the kind of sad I am when I visit you because then I am always sad.  It's the kind of sad that sits in my bones.  And I think yours is the only hug that could help this kind of sad.  Sometimes I get angry at God for leaving you here in the shell of your body with no capacity to help me.  And then I feel guilty for being selfish.

Having been through the worst of depression, I have experienced many kinds of sad. But this is a type I don't know.  I feel quiet, as if something is vacuuming my soul back inside of myself.  What would you tell me to do?  Would you tell me to let my soul sit in the quiet or to push the reverse suction and reach out to someone?

Last night I read something incredibly profound.  It was about asking God for what you need in prayer.  Essentially it said not to ask God for the small things you can do yourself- that's lazy.  He is a huge God and wants to hear our biggest needs.  The thing is, Mom, I wasn't sure what to ask for.  Do I ask for peace in my heart, courage to walk away from people who are hurting me, or a miracle?  I don't feel worthy of a miracle and am not sure when I am honest that I know which miracle to ask for.    Because even greater than the miracle that would be my marriage or kind words from my step kids I would choose to have you back.  Even the saddest sad would be different knowing I could call you to talk about it.

I'll be by to see you today.  Forgive me if I hold on a little too long.

Book Adoration

I love a book that immediately sends me searching through the library catalog to find more from the author!  I'm not sure how I missed this one when it came out 10 years ago other than to say Clare wasn't quite a year old and I might have been a little busy.  But I don't think I would have had the same visceral reaction that I had at this point of my life.  This book was beautiful.  You can google it and read all about it.  But if you experience internal loneliness or discomfort that you just can't put a finger on, even at the best times in your life, I recommend you read the one.  Lucy's letters to Ann were so eloquent in her descriptions and provide that ah-ha moment you only get when you are on the outside looking in.  So just read it.  And let me know what you think!

Truth & Beauty: A Friendship by Ann Patchett

Alzheimer's sucks

One of the greatest gifts and the greatest challenges in my life is my mom.  My mom was a great mom in almost every way.  We had our differences as every 2 females that ever existed in the same home did, but overall we entered my adulthood with a great relationship.  As my babies were born, she cared for them and was their shining star.  And the same time the life that was in her was changing.  Somewhere between 59 and 60 we realized she had Alzheimer's disease.  And now I look back at these pictures with a flood of gratitude and a torrent of sadness.  Today my mom requires help to walk, cannot carry on an intelligible conversation and has lost the memory of who I am most days. Pictures are priceless...

A Fresh Start

Because sometimes things need to begin again.  A reminder that the possibilities are endless...