Faith

Faith is such an ambiguous term.  Although it supposedly means "complete trust in something or someone", I find the word "complete" in this context very challenging.  Everyone's faith is very different.  My faith is every evolving.  Does this make it incomplete?  And because I have great challenges in trusting people, does this indicate a lack of faith?

I am currently reading Draw the Circle by Mark Batterson.  It was given to me by a neighbor who knew I was searching for something.  The book is a 40 day prayer challenge written very simply.  I like the idea of simple but not so much the idea of "take this once a day and everything will change" mentality.  But this one has been a life changer.

I began the book with the idea just to read and highlight, maybe gain some focus that might help me pray.  I admit to being a horrible pray-er.  I forget until the situation is urgent or I am in a season of busy-ness.  I am better at praying for others than myself.  I feel at a loss as to what to ask for or pray about.  But day one I began with an open heart, believing the author's words " when you pray to God regularly, irregular things happen on a more regular basis."  Here were the rules:

Don't try to manufacture your own miracles.
Don't try to answer your own prayers.
Don't try to do God's job for Him.
Stay humble.  Stay patient. Stay focused.
Keep circling.

My circle began as a quest to know what to circle.  I prayed to know what to pray for.  It seemed ridiculous.  But the answer became clear as I worked with it.  I have three main prayers:

I am praying for clarity of purpose and life path.
I am praying for a tribe of good people to surround me in prayer and support.
I am praying for passion, gratitude and joy on my journey.

I am only at the beginning of this circle.  But I have had an interesting week or so with this journey.  During the week I have had several people enter or re-enter my life that I knew were meant to be part of my circle, my tribe.  And I had the courage to tell them so.  And all (ALL!) of them responded in the affimative, agreeing to be part of my tribe.  I feel humbled.  I feel frightened.  I feel gratitude. I feel energized.  I feel heard.  And I feel capable of greater things than when I began the journey.

Missing Mom

Dear Mom,

I am sad.  Not the kind of sad I am when I visit you because then I am always sad.  It's the kind of sad that sits in my bones.  And I think yours is the only hug that could help this kind of sad.  Sometimes I get angry at God for leaving you here in the shell of your body with no capacity to help me.  And then I feel guilty for being selfish.

Having been through the worst of depression, I have experienced many kinds of sad. But this is a type I don't know.  I feel quiet, as if something is vacuuming my soul back inside of myself.  What would you tell me to do?  Would you tell me to let my soul sit in the quiet or to push the reverse suction and reach out to someone?

Last night I read something incredibly profound.  It was about asking God for what you need in prayer.  Essentially it said not to ask God for the small things you can do yourself- that's lazy.  He is a huge God and wants to hear our biggest needs.  The thing is, Mom, I wasn't sure what to ask for.  Do I ask for peace in my heart, courage to walk away from people who are hurting me, or a miracle?  I don't feel worthy of a miracle and am not sure when I am honest that I know which miracle to ask for.    Because even greater than the miracle that would be my marriage or kind words from my step kids I would choose to have you back.  Even the saddest sad would be different knowing I could call you to talk about it.

I'll be by to see you today.  Forgive me if I hold on a little too long.

Book Adoration

I love a book that immediately sends me searching through the library catalog to find more from the author!  I'm not sure how I missed this one when it came out 10 years ago other than to say Clare wasn't quite a year old and I might have been a little busy.  But I don't think I would have had the same visceral reaction that I had at this point of my life.  This book was beautiful.  You can google it and read all about it.  But if you experience internal loneliness or discomfort that you just can't put a finger on, even at the best times in your life, I recommend you read the one.  Lucy's letters to Ann were so eloquent in her descriptions and provide that ah-ha moment you only get when you are on the outside looking in.  So just read it.  And let me know what you think!

Truth & Beauty: A Friendship by Ann Patchett

Alzheimer's sucks

One of the greatest gifts and the greatest challenges in my life is my mom.  My mom was a great mom in almost every way.  We had our differences as every 2 females that ever existed in the same home did, but overall we entered my adulthood with a great relationship.  As my babies were born, she cared for them and was their shining star.  And the same time the life that was in her was changing.  Somewhere between 59 and 60 we realized she had Alzheimer's disease.  And now I look back at these pictures with a flood of gratitude and a torrent of sadness.  Today my mom requires help to walk, cannot carry on an intelligible conversation and has lost the memory of who I am most days. Pictures are priceless...

A Fresh Start

Because sometimes things need to begin again.  A reminder that the possibilities are endless...